Op Ed: Empathizing it out in trying times

Op Ed written by Jerry L. Wyckoff, Ph.D. and Barbara C. Unell. Photo above by Chang Duong used by permission via Unsplash.

The parenting turmoil surrounding wearing masks, returning to on again, off again, in-school learning and keeping kids’ mentally and physically healthy through these ongoing pandemic days and nights has upended families. One parent believes masks are necessary to save lives. The other says they are dangerous and makes kids sick. Where’s the point of unity for parents, as well as school districts and city ordinances, to keep everyone as safe and healthy as possible? 

It lies not in masks or distancing (although we need to follow those safety guidelines, too). The way to bring us together and keep us healthy, whether we’re talking about masks, distancing or anything else, is to begin (and end) the day with a thinking process that leads to managing stress so it doesn’t become toxic. We call that thinking process “Mind S.ET®”.  In this easy-to-remember acronym, “SET” means Self-Talk, Empathy and Teach, a three-step, evidence-based thinking process that keeps us all focused on the same goal — building positive relationships. 

You know about empathy, that “muscle” that is built into our brains but needs to be used in order to keep working. If we were lucky, an available, engaged and attuned adult helped us build on the inborn capacity for empathy as a child to motivate us to build positive relationships with others — our teachers, neighbors, friends, family, community. Empathy is the mental ability to put ourselves in the world of others, so we can understand how they see the world, to get their view of things. When empathy drives how we act and what we say, we literally have the brainpower to imagine how it must feel to be on the receiving side of words or actions. In order to empathize with someone’s experience, we must be willing to believe them as they see it and not how we imagine their experience to be.

Few things have brought us together—and torn us apart—more than using or not using empathy during the pandemic. And few things have shown how a lack of empathy can destroy each other’s mental and physical health during the pandemic. Instead of focusing on what tears us apart, we need to show our children a model of what brings together. We need positive self-talk, empathy and teaching to guide what we say and do for the greater good of public health. 

To get empathy from just a word in our vocabulary to the motivator of our daily “to do” list, we need to ask ourselves what we need to be able to cope with the stress that we are facing. We need somebody in our corner, a support person, a person we can trust to be there through it all, somebody to tell us that it’s going to be okay, somebody to keep us safe and keep our decision-making based on facts, not fear. That’s what we need and what a child needs many times over. 

In fact, research has found that regardless of the major stressors of life, children who have at least one consistently safe, supportive nurturing relationship with an emotionally available, engaged and attuned adult have the best chances for thriving. And research also tells us that being that supportive person elevates us, makes us feel good, gives us the support we need. It’s the two-bird thing. We help ourselves by helping others. Empathy helps us be that person for someone else. 

Designated Adult

Just as in the case of “designated driver” (DD), being the “designated adult” to safely get behind the wheel because that person’s thinking is not impaired by alcohol, we need to designate at least one person in every child’s life (and our lives!) to be that “designated adult” — a safe, stable and nurturing person who can teach with love and limits a child who is too young to be able to make responsible decisions independently. It’s what we all needed as children — and still what children need today most of all.

That doesn’t mean giving children everything they want or letting children do whatever they want when they want, just because children push back when we set safe and smart boundaries.  Indeed, as in the case of a DD, the DD safely helps to navigate people to their destinations, even amidst the protests, perhaps of the person in the passenger seat, who doesn’t want to be “driven” and pushes back at the people who are trying to help them best.

Yes, it may be loud and uncomfortable to be the designated adult. And if we cannot be one because we were not taught these skills ourselves or simply are not able to use a healthy Mind S.E.T when the “noise” and “protests” start from those with whom we may disagree, for example, then we need to designate someone who can responsibly be attuned, engaged and available. In the best of all worlds, both people in adult relationships, as well as adult-child relationships, use a healthy Mind S.E.T in building those relationships — to practice positive self-talk, empathizing and teaching — in connecting, especially when an emotionally steady driver is needed.  

Children (and adults!) cannot have too many designated adults who can help safely manage their journeys through the day — at home, school, sports, camps, playgrounds, neighborhoods—parents, grandparents, teachers, coaches, friends, neighbors. Again, what is a designated adult? One who is alert, listens, notices, uses positive self-talk and empathy, and makes decisions based on what helps people learn how to be independent, self-sufficient, flourishing adults. But first, that adult needs to be an empathic one, using the Mind S.E.T.® approach in “Discipline with Love and Limits” with children and with other adults with whom they live, work and play. 

Parenting turmoil starts and ends with the topic of empathy, a core skill of a designated adult. It’s necessary for optimal child development and adult flourishing. We will all benefit from learning how to be empathic. It’s never too late. And today, it cannot happen soon enough.  

Want to read more about a healthy Mind S.E.T. and how to care for yourself and your children? Go to https://behaviorchecker.org/our-approach/.

Jerry Wyckoff, Ph.D. is a child psychologist who has helped parents and children for more than 40 years and has co-authored five books on parenting with Barbara C. Unell, a parent educator, social entrepreneur and journalist who has co-authored over a dozen books on parenting and is a co-founder of the Raised with Love and Limits Foundation, with Dr. Wyckoff. Their latest book is the bestseller, “Discipline with Love and Limits,” with over a million copies sold worldwide.